Goodbye, 2011.

So, this year is finally at a close. I am so happy it is over and I am ready for new beginnings.

In 2011, we had lots of snow days and lots of days out of school.

• David had shoulder surgery in January. We were all so happy for him. I started my student teaching and had a wonderful time. I got a new room added on to the house and new furniture!



• In February, Eli turned fifteen and we went to Gatlinburg for CYC with seven kids!



• In March, the girls left and my family fell apart. This alone set the tone for the rest of the year, for both myself and the little kids. We had to find a new normal and we still struggle to understand why or how. This was the first "loss" that the kids had ever faced and is probably the closest thing to death (without it being the actual thing) that they will ever experience.



• We spent April walking in a daze. I think that Easter was in April.



• In May, I graduated from college and turned thirty six. My family gave me a great party and I was surrounded by those who love me.



• In June, Tripp turned six and I got a summer job teaching SPED and found out that I loved it!



• July was our long awaited week at the beach. Then, I got hired to teach 3rd grade.



• In August, my new job started. Eli went on to 10th grade. Emma started 2nd and Tripper went to kindergarten.



• In September, Emma turned eight years old. We were all busy with adjusting to school and my full time job. I got my first "big girl" paycheck!



• In October, we had a wonderful fall break and enjoyed a great night of Hayride Trick or Treating with a great group of friends.



• November brought my new sweet niece Adaline Fowler, a special celebration for my wonderful father in law, and our first Thanksgiving at home. Black Friday Shopping was a bust.



• December gave us a thirty eight year old Daddy! Ha! We also got two weeks off of school for Christmas break.

So I guess that we could say that 2011 was a life changing year. I am hoping and praying that 2012 will bring more answers, blessings, healing, and love. I am thankful for my family, the security of my home, the knowledge that I have people who love me, a wonderful job, great co-workers, and a chance to make a difference.

In Between.

After a wonderful Christmas, we are now ready for a great New Years celebration.

What does that leave us with? The week in between.

It is time to take down decorations, shopping is over. All that is left is a mess of toys that don't have a home just yet. We know that there is another celebration time coming, we are just waiting it out.

I really dislike this week. It is sad for me, it makes me anxious. It always has. There is so much to do. So this week, we are staying at home, getting things ready because we are going to The Wilderness in the Smokies for New Years Eve! How exciting is that! We have never been before and the kids are super excited about swimming and playing in the water.

As for Christmas, the kids were happy. We have Nurf guns and bullets floating around. We have American Girl dolls, and clothes everywhere. Eli is wearing his new North Face jacket all over the house. Dave and I got new chairs for our dining room table. And new Asics :)

So now, lets make it through this in-between week. I am starting my teaching list for next week. I am ready to get back in the swing of things.

Christmas Eve Eve!

Here we are, on Friday, December 23... Christmas Eve Eve!
Shopping is complete. I have to wrap one more gift. I haven't baked a thing yet. I have nothing to do except take Emma to the eye doctor for a check up.

It kinda feels strange.

I have already been out of school for one week. I have nine days left to be off. I am in the habit of staying up until one or two in the morning and sleeping till nine'ish. It is almost ten a.m. and the kids are still sleeping soundly.

Emma pulled her eighth tooth last night right at bedtime. I was somewhat drowsy and she went and wrote the tooth fairy a heartfelt letter, asking for her to dip her wing in the water, and then to write her name in the glitter. I was just so tired and a little perturbed at the request. Yet, the tooth fairy came through for Emma and she was excited about 5 a.m. this morning when she crawled in bed with me to tell me her findings.

And I know that this season is almost over. So I was glad that the fairy made it right last night.

Tripp does not have any loose teeth yet. I checked. He is following in Eli and Emma's footsteps and will be past seven when he loses his first tooth.

Questions I Don't Want to Answer.

Here are some things I have heard recently:

1. Hey Mom, What does SEX mean?



2. What is GAY?



3. How do babies get out?



4. What does it mean when you do this? (sticking up the middle finger)

Needless to say, these are things I am not ready for. I have had to answer these, and tread lightly, giving minimal information.

Would you like to know my answers?

Sure you would. Here we go.

1. So I said, "What do you think it means?" and Emma replied, "Wellll, Sally asked her daddy and he said it means if you are a boy or a girl. You usually check it on a paper for school so they will know what you are." Horray for Sally's daddy! I bypassed that and I would have never thought of it. Feel free to borrow :)

2. Again, this wonderful questions came from Emma as we were driving through Nashville the other day. I wondered what she had just saw. I asked "Why?" and she replied, "Just tell me, already." So I reverted back to when Eli was in 3rd grade, and he refused to sing, "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" for Veteran's Day Program at school because Johnny would be gay. And I said, "It means HAPPY". Emma replied, "Tammy's mom said it meant something different - something bad." And I said, "Oh, Emma! Look! It's Toys-R-US!"

3. This question came from all three -Emma, Mallie and Tripp - as Aunt Terri was having our new baby Adaline. After listening to various comments that included a "door in the belly that a baby can open" and Tripp's answer - "Momma's poop babies out of their butts", I answered with "Momma's have a special place for babies to come out." And that ended it with two of them. But not Emma. So we had a mini -conversation of where that special place is located.

4. This one came from Tripp, while I was in the Verizon store, upgrading my phone, sitting at the counter. We were the only customers in there - with three workers who thought my kids were "the cutest things ever". Until Tripp stuck his middle finger up at every one of them as he asked loudly. I took him to the car as they were programming my new phone. He tried to run from me. I swatted at him and I missed. He then told them that I smacked him in the head. And for the record I didn't but I felt like it. :) Not only did my sweet boy flip people off, his momma hurt him. Needless to say, he was grounded when he got home.

Christmas Break.

I made it to Christmas break.

I am so excited to have this time off with my family. As you can tell, it is three in the morning. I have a cold (imagine that!) and I am having trouble sleeping. But no worries, because I don't have to be up at any time tomorrow. Horray!

Yesterday we had the big family Christmas, which only lasted for an hour, then we came home and hung out on the couch, just the five of us. Then we divided up. Eli stayed at home, Dave took Tripp to the woods, and Emma and I went on a girl date and did her shopping.

Then, later in the night, Dave threw Eli the keys and we went driving. I about died. I cried in the van as he drove us around town. This was only the second time he had ever driven. The night before, I let him drive around the high school parking lot. Now, on day two, it is open road. I guess that it is just another sign that he is almost grown.

Eli has never shown any interest in driving. Ever. And he will be 16 in two months. He doesn't have a permit. So from one day to the next, he is wanting to drive. And it makes me sad.

This year, it doesn't feel like Christmas. I am not really in the "Christmas Spirit". I am almost done with my shopping. I ordered my Christmas cards a month early, and I have not even mailed them yet. In fact, I have only received three, and I usually get about 50. I guess some others are not feeling it either.

Let's hope this next week brings me tidings of comfort and joy. Maybe I will bake some cookies.

Thanksgiving 2011 - Now On To Christmas!

It has been a great five days off of work. When I left school on Tuesday, I had everything prepared so I will be OK to walk in on Monday morning. Right now, I can't tell you what I am going to teach, but I have it all written down in my lesson plan book. I am thankful for the break from the "excitement" of my class.

On Wednesday, I helped Dave at the store and I cleaned the house. My sister in law was not feeling well at all after having my new niece Adaline last week, so we decided to do our own Thanksgiving meal at home on Thursday. I went shopping on Wednesday night, and I am thankful that I got to cook.

On Thursday, we had a great day. We danced with the kids that morning while we cooked. Dave played "his music", as Emma calls it, and we laughed and ran around the house. I wish more days could be like that, because we are always so busy and on the go, go, go. I got all the food done and the kids bathed and ready by 1 p.m. while Dave went to visit with his extended family for a couple of hours. I spent the afternoon eating, hanging out, and cuddling my new sweet girl. She is just beautiful. And then, we all napped. By 8:30 p.m., we were off to Walmart, with Eli experiencing his first "Black Friday". Dave stayed at home with Emma and Tripp. I planned to stay out all night, but we were finished by 10:30, and the next store didn't open till 12. So we came home, and got in bed, and all was well.

On Friday, I worked at the store with Dave and then ran a few errands. After that, we went to Christmas in the Country on the square, and had a great time.

On Saturday, I was going to clean again, but my mother in law took the little kids to the movies, and my father in law took Eli to a football game. I was ALL ALONE. So I went Christmas shopping and had a great time by myself. I don't recall that I ever enjoyed my time alone so much. No pressure to be finished or hurry - everyone was occupied.

Now, I have to get the tree up, and the decoratin' done. It is time to go back to work. Only three weeks till Christmas break and lots of skills to teach. :)

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Football Season is over... now what?

Sadly, Eli's football season ended this past Friday night during the second round of playoffs. He ended up with 57 points from field goals/extra points. We are so proud of him!

So now, it is back to normal. We have "lived" football since July 15th. Here we are, four months later, trying to figure out how we will spend each evening.

We have had a great three day weekend. Today, David has taken the kids to the woods to move the tree stand. I have been to school, working in my classroom, and then I hurried and brought my books home. The house is empty.

We have seven days of school left until Thanksgiving Break.

Emma is doing great in Second Grade. She is reading and has alot of AR points. Last week, to my suprise, Tripp took off on his reading. Last night, he read two books to me. He gets angry if he does not know a word and has to start the whole sentence over again. Last night I taught him how to break the word apart if he did not know it. He is just precious.

My new niece Adaline is due ANY DAY. Her mom looks pretty uncomfortable. I remember those feelings so well. I can't wait to see her little face and hold her.

Interview.

So, I am sitting here with my two favorite little people. I have some questions I wanna ask.
Ready?
Let's GO!

Question 1 - What would your mom do on her dream day?
Emma - She would go shopping, go get her toes done and go meet Payton Manning and go to an Usher concert.
Tripp - Get me a toy.

Question 2 - What makes your mom laugh?
Tripp - Funny jokes and doing funny stuff.
Emma - When she is talking on the phone to Uncle Chris about Ethan.

Question 3 - Why does your mom teach?
Emma - because she likes it and she wants to show kids how to learn and make them smart.
Tripp - so she can get money.

Question 4 - How did your mom and dad meet?
Tripp - at school... he met you and he thought you were pretty. You were walking around somewhere and he asked you to marry him.
Emma - in high school you knew each other and then in college you went on a date and then you started being boyfriend and girlfriend and then you just asked him to marry you. You lived happily ever after and gave birth to me.

Question 5- What does your dad love most about your mom?
Emma - That you take care of your kids and that you take care of him and feed him dinner.
Tripp -She is pretty and she makes him laugh.

Question 6 - What does your mom love most about your dad?
Tripp - He makes you laugh and he thinks you are funny.
Emma - He makes her shirts and he is funny.

Question 7 - When you grow up, what will your mom and dad be doing?
Emma - Encouraging me to go on and helping me do stuff and buy stuff for my classroom.
Tripp - Having a job.

Question 8 - When are you going to move out? Where will you go?
Tripp - a few years, somewhere to live.
Emma - When I am 25, I will go to college.

Question 9 - Do you think that your mom will cry or your dad will cry?
Emma - I think that my mom will cry AND my dad will cry.
Tripp - Neither. Eli would say "I am glad your moving out"

Question 10 - What will mom and dad do on Saturday nights?
Tripp - GO OUT.
Emma - go to the movies and come visit me at college

Motherhood.

So, this week, Eli - without any prompting by me - goes and sees his guidance counselor at school. It seems that he didn't like the path he was on. He changed his schedule and added Driver's Ed. That is just fine, we let him have one "fluff" class per semester. He changed to Honors Chemistry in the Spring. He also changed this path from Science something to Science something else.

Then, he handed me a packet because he wants to apply to Tennessee Govenors School. Great, I say. I start to fill it out. Then, I get on the internet, and I read that, if accepted, he will be gone for five weeks this summer. Ouch. I felt the burn.

Five weeks, I thought.

Me: Ummm.... Five weeks? In a dorm? And you will only be 16?

Eli: Well, It won't be that far away. And I don't know that I will get accepted. We just have to apply. But it will count toward those college credits that I need, and next year, MY JUNIOR YEAR, I am taking six college hours WHILE I AM IN HIGH SCHOOL... and since you are a teacher, it won't cost that much, and WHEN I GO TO COLLEGE IN ONLY TWO YEARS it will help me out ... (at this point I tuned him out and I heard)..

Me: Two years, I have been saying two years, but he could go away for five weeks now, and then WHAT next summer, and then what if he sees bad stuff in the world and I am not there and he doesn't call and who will help him find socks and what if he can't remember how to cook an egg and what if his pencil breaks and he can't find a sharpener and he may run out of notebook paper and he uses an awful lot of shampoo and doesn't have a blowdryer....

INSERT MEDICATION HERE

What really happened is -
Me: Ok, Eli, Let's fill these papers out. And you have to write an essay. This should be fun.
Eli: Well, just how long of an essay?

And I knew that my Eli was in there somewhere :)

Updates.

Quiet. It is nice and quiet. All the kids were asleep by 7:45 tonight. I guess that means we ran them hard this weekend - Football, School, Pumpkin Patch, working at the store. Cleaning.

We did not have a good football game Friday night. In fact, it sucked. It was one of those games where nobody threw the ball, they handed it off and tried to run right through the middle of the players. I threatened to text the coaches and tell them to change the plays up, and that they might score. When something doesn't work, why keep doing the same thing over and over?

I guess I am getting confident after reading Football for Dummies. Nope. I am not even kidding.

Other than that, I am just counting down till snow days. I think that this year, my first year of teaching, has been harder than I thought. I feel so, so sorry for my mentor teacher. I text her and call her. I know she is sick of me. I am trying to take the problems of all of my students. I think about them. I know that I need to set emotional limits. But it is difficult - especially when you are a "fixer".

So, I love teaching. I love my students. I love my co-workers. My house is a disaster, I can't get ahead. But I am so happy with my job. I just need to get a grip and know when I leave the school (at 4, 5, 6 or 8 p.m.) that I should leave the kids and their issues there too. I will get it. I will.

Report cards come out this week. I have New Evaluation #3. Gymnastics. Referral for SPED. That is a whole book itself. Off to work I go. :)

Here I Am.

Wow. What about a blogging break? I knew that I needed some down time, blogging became a chore to me, but I am thinking that I should have written something. I don't have a whole lot to show for 2011.


Speaking of 2011 - Time has flown! We are already in the middle of October. Lots of things have happened... Emma and Eli and Tripp are in school. I am chugging along, teaching 3rd grade. We have completed Dave's football season with a Championship Trophy (!) for the second season in a row. Eli has three games left in his season. I think, at this point, he has scored close to 40 points this season. I love, love, love to watch him kick.

Picture out of the local paper - Eli #85 kicking.

So, we are busy with school, and football and the store. Tripp started gymnastics last month after spending the last six months standing on his head. Emma went to watch one night, and she loved it too, so now she is tumbling around. She also takes piano, but I can only handle one activity, so one must go.

My new neice is coming next month. My sister in law, Terri, is scheduled to have Adaline Fowler in November. Boy, isn't Mallie going to be in culture shock. I can't wait to hold her and change those itty bitty diapers again. I surely thought I would never say that. I also want to do a little baby sniffing. I love baby lotion!

Here is a quick video of Eli. :) I am a proud momma. For those of you who understand football, Eli tackles the guy at the end, too. I just about died.

A Nice Break.

I am lovin' this three day weekend. I am so excited to get one more day at home.

Yesterday, I went to Mallie's first basketball game. Then, we went to the pool and swam for a while. On the spur of the moment, my sister in law took all the kids to the drive in. So I went to Redbox, got a movie and then had a quick dinner with Dave.

Today, I have slept. And went grocery shopping. And slept again. Now it is almost 10 p.m. I only have one day left. I put all of my classroom work on the back burner. But I started updating my TeacherWeb page and now my mind is working toward teaching on Tuesday. I am happy for a short week where my brain can start to catch up.

Well, as for teaching - there is never enough time. I had a student teacher come into my classroom the other day. (I had been to school with him, I just graduated a semester early). He started grilling me about all the cool stuff we learned in school. Did I do _ with my students? Had I tried _ with them? I told the student teacher that I didn't have enough time for the fun stuff. And that is the truth. So last week I learned that Student Teachers are in La La Land. 1. If there are two teachers in the room, it is easier to get everything done. and 2. He has no idea about the "real" world of teaching. I didn't either.

I guess I finally cracked - a little -on Friday. I cried. Not as much as I wanted. I cried because of time. I cried because of student situations. I cried because I was tired. I think that women have this "need" to cry. It just seems to make it all better. And if it is a partial cry, as mine was on Friday, well, it just helps a little.

So, at the end of week four of teaching, I love these kids. I worry about them. I am watching for their moods. And I know who will struggle and who will not. I think about them on the weekends. I guess we are finally bonding.

Hellooo.... Anyone Out There?

So, I am a blog slacker. I have been sooo busy. I just can't keep up.
This teaching stuff is alot of work :) I was in my class until 8 on Friday night. As a rule of my own, I don't go in on Saturday. But I do usually work on and off on Sunday. And I have always went in on Sunday afternoon for a few hours.

Everything is going good. I have nineteen students. I have lost a couple and gained a couple. Twenty is my normal number. I am doing lots of things that I did not learn in school. And I am having lots of experiences that no one warned me about. :)

On the home front, it is football time! The Middle School football team that Dave helps coach is in full swing. I have made it to the home games. It is pretty cool, because Emma and Tripp stand on the side lines. And I grade papers, while still watching Dave coach and his team play. So I guess I am using my time wisely.

Eli is also playing football. He is kickin'. So, I love to watch him and I would not miss a game. He plays in both JV and The Big Boys (I don't know what they are called... my mind has left). His games are on Monday and Friday nights. I love Friday night football.. And I am super excited that my friend Lydia is now with me! Her son is in high school, so we get to hang out and compare teacher stories during the game.

Emma did a pageant this past weekend. That, in itself, is another post. It was a terrible experience for me. I completely disliked the entire thing - except getting her hair and makeup done. That was fun to just watch her giggle. But the pageant - well, I texted Dave from behind the stage and it was terrible. Moms of pageant girls are MONSTERS. Seriously, we could have been on "Toddlers and Tiaras". It was basically a group of moms who had low self esteem when they were little and they are trying to make it up thru their own daughters.... maybe like they could heal their own pain. Anyways, don't look for us on the stage anytime soon. :)

I will try to keep up better. I have tons of things to say. I just don't have time to say it.

Classroom Work.

I have been spending many hours getting my classroom ready and I am happy to say that it is finally coming together. I am consumed by my classroom. I have made lists of things to do, what should come first, and what I will be doing last minute. I work all day, usually with breaks in between for doctors appointments, piano lessons and quick trips to Hobby Lobby and Walmart for supplies.

This is probably the quickest I have ever made trips to Walmart. I have stuff to do at home!

So I guess that my school year has already started. It is a strange feeling, knowing that even if I left right now (at 8:15 a.m. - I am usually already there!) that even if I stay until 10 p.m. I will still not be finished. Last night, I came home at 8. I sat in the sunroom, and looked at the blank walls. It was strange because a. there was no primary colors anywhere around, so my eyes hurt. and b. I saw no apples anywhere, either.

I did smell hot glue all night long, for what its worth. :)

I sit at my desk, sometimes, and I think about all the children that I will get to know over the next year. I think about all the struggles that will happen in the classroom. All the happiness and all the learning. I am so excited to meet all of these creatures. I am looking forward to re-reading this post next year and seeing what a difference a year makes.

Behind.

I am so behind in posting. Not that I don't have the time, because I do. I have time. I am just a slacker, I think. I sit down to write, and there is all this stuff in my head, nothing comes out quite right.

Only a few more weeks until school starts. While that usually is good for my children, and me, to get in the routine, this year it will be different. This year, I will go to school with them. As a teacher.

This summer, we have been swimming, and been to the beach, and been to the pool. Alot.

Now, I am still getting things in order. Believe it or not, I still don't have the house completely "fixed" from my work/school season. I have made lots of progress. But then, I now have the mess upstairs on the walls to fix (we let the girls paint their room and then a couple weeks later they left). I hoped to have that done before school goes back. I wish I had the money to hire a painter for just the ONE ROOM. I am not even sure I can stay in there long enough to paint. And Emma and Tripp tell me that is why they don't like to sleep upstairs.

Also, I only have one wall of pictures left to fix. Now that I have some beach pictures, I can replace the other pictures that don't belong.

I guess I should get to work.

Me and the Be-Be.

Oh Mom, I will be your be be even when you are dead.

Such a great thought :)

It has been a great first-week off. We have been to the pool, been to the pool and been to the pool. Housework has been avoided because the kids wanted to go to the pool. So we did :) And I got to spend time with a great friend yesterday.... even got sunburned because I talked about someone else.

Today, I got to make a last minute trip to Nashville by myself. It was nice - I sung alot. And because I went, I got a special privilege to go to Target. When I left the store I went to just for Dave, I scooted on by the Abortion Clinic. I don't know why. I felt the need to swing by and say a prayer. I have been several times before and it is absolutely nauseating. It is almost worse than going to Vanderbilt Hospital and seeing sick children. There is no control at "The Mill". There is nothing you can do, and the women and men inside are choosing to end precious lives that have no say. Anyways, so I got a little detoured and I prayed. There were only two cars in the parking lot. It was past 2 p.m.

Tomorrow night we are leaving for the beach. We are going with the awesome inlaws who have rented a fab house. We will be gone for over a week. I am so excited. I hope to have lots and lots of pictures.

I guess I need to get back to packing.

Randomness.

I sit down to write all the time... then I forget what I am going to say.

When I am working, or doing other things, I have the most awesome idea for a post. I, of course, don't jot it down. I think to myself, "I will remember ________! It is a great thing that I need to talk about. It is Then I forget it.

We are having a super busy summer. My "summer" job ended yesterday. Today, I have my first day of inservice. I am excited and nervous. Wait- I guess I didn't even write about getting a job.

I got a job! I got a position teaching at the school my littles go to. It will be so much easier to be close. I am thrilled. I had an interview last week, and it went well. I got the phone call and about cried! All the years of school... well, it paid off. Now, the real hard work begins.

Let's see... Eli is at camp again this week. This is camp #2. He is being a camp counselor for sixth grade students. He left on Monday and will be back on Thursday. I like for him to have these great experiences. And he loves this little camp gig.

Next week (next Friday!) we are off to the beach. I can't wait. We will be back the following Sunday. After that, my schedule is clear for about a month. No school (except to get my room ready). No work - no summer job! I guess I will have to clean house.

Conversations.

• Mom, when I put my head on my pillow, it is like something is going to grab me. - Tripp (My reply? If you don't get your butt in bed, I am fixin' to grab you). He ran.



• Mom, when are you going to die? - Tripp



• Momma, when I get big, can I still get in your bed and cuddle you? - Tripp
  


• Momma... even when I am 65 or when I am in college I will always be your be-be. Even when your under the ground. - Tripp



• Tripp, what am I going to do with you? His reply? I don't know, Mom. What ARE you going to do with me?

Exactly.

That boy. That boy holds my heart. He absolutely kills me with his mannerisms, his kisses and his wit and charm. He is a smart a**. There is no denying who fathered this kid.

One Back - Two to Go!

Last night, I picked Eli up. He had been gone to camp at Faulkner University in Alabama since last Friday. He got to experience dorm life. He was away. I figured that it will be what it is when he really goes off to college in three years. One week was hard. It was quiet. What will I do when he packs his stuff up?



Emma and Tripp will be back some time today. I can't wait to have all my babies in the house, safe and sound. Yesterday, I went to work with Dave. I know it could not be that way all the time. I couldn't imagjne.


We have a busy next few days planned. I will get to have a night out on Monday - Dave has some kind of reception/dinner for the city in Murfreesboro. That will be nice - a dinner out for free! I am hoping for some pool time this weekend. And maybe some yard sales...


Speaking of yard sales, I am stockpiling stuff for my future classroom. I have a couple of totes full now. Last weekend, I found a brand new globe for $3! I also hit up the Dollar Tree yesterday and found some neat classroom supplies. I am hoping to find more stuff - when I really get a classroom, I won't be empty handed.

It is Quiet in the House...

sweet people.

and a thirty six year old face with no makeup (mascara doesn't count).
the kids are gone!


Eli left for camp last Friday - he will be back late tonight.
Emma and Tripp left yesterday morning... they will be back Friday afternoon.


I am sitting here with my grad school application filled out. I need three letters of recommendation. That is all. I just need to drive it down to TTU.

My options are:

1. take a shower and wash my hair and fix it.

2. clean the house.

3. go turn my stuff in at TTU and get this (snow) ball rolling.

4. go to work with my husband.

Last night, we ended up doing nothing. Actually, we enjoyed four hours of Ice Road Truckers and it might have been mixed with Pawn Stars. I don't know. I dozed from boredom and a tad bit of unhappiness. :) Gotta love Alaskan Ice Road Truckers. Of course, the people driving are nuts and they may wreck. They are driving on ice, in the dark, for goodness sakes! Crazy. I hate that show. It annoys me. I think that they people that they are delivering things to should just move to civilization, where the temps are normal, and roads aren't made of ice, and it is daylight when it is supposed to be and dark when it is supposed to be.

Oh, my other subject is my van. My Van only has 60,000 miles. I spent $420 yesterday for brakes and a hose that was leaking fluid that smelled funny. (antifreeze). And guess what? None of it is covered int he bumper-to-bumper warrenty that I paid for. I spent the money I had been saving for my beach vacation in three weeks. So now I have less that $100 in vacation money. :( Short of prostitution, I don't know how to fix this. I already have a job - but no payday till July.

Six.

On Sunday, Tripp turned six. Here he is, posing with Emma.

She held up his fingers for him.

Here is his wonderful birthday cake made my Cousin-Aunt Mary B.

Since he loves S.B. he was so excited!

Here is Dave, in control of the party, lighting the candles.

I went swimming. And then, I was taking the pictures.

Here is the mad mob of kids. We had a great time and was thankful for a pool party after an afternoon rain storm an hour and a half before the get-together.


Here is Tripp and his birthday gift from his daddy. :)

I love you, Tripp!

A Little Extra Help.

I started my job last week. I am teaching an extended school year class for preschool special ed.
I even have the badge to prove it. And, I am loving it.

When I started out, I would have never thought that I would be interested in special ed. I took the classes that I had to, no more. And while I have had my application for graduate school since two days after graduation, I haven't turned it in. I thought I would do Library Science.

I was wrong. wrong. wrong.

There are sixteen students in my class, with me, another teacher and an aid. I would lightly call myself a teacher. I am really learning. The other teacher is a thirty-plus year special ed teacher. And I love her. She is wise and this job, this life, is not only what she does - it is how she lives.

So I am excited about grad school. I look at the children in the class as students who just need extra help.

Eli, Tripp and Emma have met a few of my students. For Eli, it was easy for him to understand the differences. But for Emma and Tripp? It is not so easy. Today, at the pool, one of my boys from school came up to see me. How do I explain all of this to Emma and Tripp?

So Emma says, "Mom, is that one of your kids from Special Ed?"
I didn't quite like the way it sounded. So, I told her, "He is one of my students. He just needs a little extra help." So Tripp asks, "What is wrong with him?" And I told him, "Sometimes, he has trouble understanding what we are teaching. Has Ms. Jennifer ever taught you something and you didn't "get" it, so she told you a few more times?" And Tripp says, "Yes - so he does the same thing?" And that was that. They got it.

I hope that what I am doing will teach Emma and Tripp and Eli to be compassionate to others. I hope that they see others who need "extra help" a little differently. I hope that they take the time to give extra help. Because in some way, we all need it.

A Busy Week.

Boy, have we been hopping around here. School is officially out for the kids. So, in August, I will have a kindergartener, 2nd grader and 10th grader. Wow!

My job starts on Wednesday. I am super excited. It is three days a week, five hours a day teaching Special Ed in Preschool - just for the month of June. Just to get my foot in the door. Maybe this will lead to a full time job.

My eating has not been great this week. My exercise has also been off. We have been to Vacation Bible School every night. Along with VBS comes an 8 p.m. dinner. I was doing well being finished by 6. And I think I am only at twelve miles for the week. We have had alot of rain, high heat, and thunderstorms. But it is ok. I am on a health journey, not a race. So today I will do better.

I am supposed to be having a yard sale like.. RIGHT NOW. But I am not ready. I have so.much.stuff.... clothes of Emma's, to be exact. I just don't know how to do this. Tubs, and tubs, and tubs. So I will work on it today, and maybe get some of it out. I am also selling her Disney Princess Kitchen, Vanity and Barbie Piano. She says she is too big. I have a whole nother post on that - when I get my pictures from my camera uploaded.

Have a great holiday weekend!

Healing.

Since the girls left almost two months ago, we have all went through a range of emotions. The first few weeks were the hardest for me. I seemed to be semi-ok in the mornings. Then, I was off to school, so I did not think about it, and there was little chance of someone asking me. My hardest time was in the afternoons when I came home - the was noone calling, "Ms. Mell!" and grabbing me. There was no Spanish music or cackling laughter. Now that time has passed, and shock has worn off, I have become angry. I am mad. And that is OK. I know that I am healing.

Eli was angry, hurt and confused all at the same time. But he is able to voice his feelings and deal with them. So that helps him heal.

But the worst? Emma and Tripp. They don't know how to feel. Or what to do. So their healing is different.

Emma and Tripp are still having a hard time. In the mix of the drama, it seems that not one person outside of the situation ever thought about how a five year old boy and a seven year old girl would feel to losing their sisters - sisters that had been a part of their lives for about three years - and lived with them for eleven months. Not one person ever thought that maybe Emma and Tripp would have to heal from this.

So while everyone sits and focuses on the healing of two girls that we took in as our own, that we loved and cared for and accepted, who chose to opt out of being in our family, and caused so much pain with that decision, they forget about the completely innocent kids left behind. It makes me angry that I am left to try to find the right answers. I don't have the answers.

And Now I Am Up.

Tripp is having leg/foot aches. He got up about thirty minutes ago, crying. Since he is kid number three, I know these are growing pains. I gave him some Tylenol. But now, momma can't sleep. Thoughts are racing.

I am going to have a yard sale this weekend. I am not really looking forward to it. I have bunches of clothes to get out of the house. But I am not liking the work involved. Also, my house is a mess in general. I did not do any housework this weekend. So it is a disaster. I was going to clean today while the kiddies were in school but I got a call right before seven a.m. to sub for sixth grade. I went for the extra money. So I am going to clean soon. And price some clothes and junk to get it out of here.

I have saw a few spiders lurking around. I just saw a bug in the bathroom. Now I am thinking about having the house sprayed. I will call someone in the morning. The poor bug probably just came in when we left the door open. Now it has to die. :) That sounds kinda morbid.

So, I am going to graduate school. I need to go to Tech and turn my application in. I think I might start in the fall. I am still trying to figure it out. MY head says wait till spring. Take a break. But that will waste six months time. Yuck. Not a big deal, I think that a Masters program will not be as back breaking as undergraduate. I will not have to name any rocks. But I wonder if I will have to take Statistics. I heard that sucks.

My exercise is going good. I walked six miles with Eli on Saturday night. It was fun. I skipped Sunday and Monday. Tomorrow, it is back at it. I do about three miles per day. Because I get crazy with the scales, I don't weigh. But my clothes are becoming more loose. And I feel great.

We have two more days of school. I am excited. But I will be working on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

In less than six weeks, we will be at the beach. I can't wait.

Tripp is turning six in a couple of weeks. :-?

Randomness.

So, I have been subbing... I have been in 5th grade, 2nd grade, 1st grade, kindergarten, 4th grade. Not sure about 3rd.. Nope, no third. I have had the last two days off. It has been nice. Tomorrow - back to 1st grade.

I read this morning that I got the summer job that I applied for. It is Pre-K Disabilities extended school. It lasts three days a week for five hours a day. I am so excited. I want to plan. I am dreaming of centers, books, colors, stories. I am excited about teaching. I hope that it is a good experience for me.

Today I went shopping for supplies for my "real" classroom. I am sure that while I will only be in my summer class for fifteen hours a week, I will not have to decorate or do anything significant. I hope that I have a job in the near future because I bought some super cool border. And stickers. And glue. And lots of teacher things.

Yey! I am so excited!

Graduation.

College graduation is a great feeling. I had a wonderful day.

Here is my special day in pictures.

Here I am with Eli, Emma and Tripp outside of TTU.

After everyone was seated, and I got my hat balanced on the top of my big hair, Dave and I took our obligatory self photo.

Here is half of my graduating class. We may or may not have been praying. I was probably crying. I cried several times. I am smack dab in the middle and I am kinda looking up. See me?


Finally, after an hour, it was my turn. I wore heels. I did not fall!
I heard my kiddies hollering at me. So I threw them a big kiss.

Here I am shaking Dr. Bell's hand. Yey for me! I did it.

Horray for my family. They survived!

Wait. That is not Dr. Bell. He is not wearing a gown. I don't know who this dude was. I had a line of about eight people that shook my hand.



Here I am going back to my seat.

We turned our tassels. The most exciting moment for me. Then, I cried some more.

Outside, I found my family. The pictures kinda look like a kid took them.

That is because Tripp and Emma are the photographers.

Tripp took this picture. He cut Dave's head off. But here I am with my support system. My sweet inlaws. (My side of the family got in their cars and drove away when graduation was over so I never saw them. No pictures)

A random shot of Emma and myself. After we got home, we had a party. My sweet husband did an excellent job. It ended with just him and me karaoke-ing on my mother in law's porch - all alone- about 11 p.m.

So, what the next step? I went to TTU on Monday and got my application for graduate school.

I kinda slid it into a conversation with Dave on Monday night. His reply? Are you trying to start a fight? So, for now, I guess I am just getting a job :)

Until he figures out how much more money I will make with a Masters Degree. :)

Operation Graduation

So the countdown is on to Graduation 2011.

I have been subbing all week. Today is a half day! Horray for me! Yeah for a paycheck!

Here are a couple of updates:

#1 - On my last day of student teaching, I got called to

the office. My sweet father in law sent me flowers!

#2 - Late yesterday afternoon, I met with some other

Education graduates at TJ Farr and we decorated our hats.

After three trips to Hobby Lobby and a mini meltdown due to OCD -

I am finished!

Look how snazzy!

It is much better in person!

*at the bottom it says

Thanks Dave!

Eli - Emma

Tripp

Just strolling along...

So, for the past couple of months, I have been walking. I usually walk two to three miles a day. When I take the day off, I feel cruddy. It is better than being medicated :) Mentally, it tides me over and is really been my saving grace after the past couple of months.

Anyways, I went for my normal walk yesterday. I love to walk around town. I see all sorts of people, I look at flowers, and trees and shrubs. I wave at people. They wave at me. I sing to myself and I pray. I figure things out.

During the week, I start my walk on the square so I can leave my keys with Dave at the store. I usually walk all the way thru town. If I see a street I like, I take it. And I always end back at the store. So yesterday, I was less than a block from the store, and out of the corner of my eye, three pit bull dogs charged at me from across the street. All I had in my hands were my cell phone and my Ipod. I started screaming. The owners (three people) were in the yard. The man ran toward me and tried to swat them back. Two dogs ran, the third backed off a little. Then, the man turned to yell at the two other women in the yard. The third dog came at me again. He got on my back and bit my hind quarters.

I cried quite a bit. All I could do is try to back up against a fence and I kept trying to dial Dave's number. I was close enough to the store that I could see that he was there. I mis-dialed the number a few times. The dogs were back, but barking at me. The owners were fighting amongst themselves. Never once did they ask if I was OK.

So, I got Dave and he couldn't understand me. I kept trying to tell him to come outside. I was outside. Look down the road. And he saw me and ran down there. He was not a happy person.

The police were called. They called an ambulance. I knew all the workers because we live in a small town. They wanted to look at my backside. :) I said no, no and no. I did let a female ambulance worker look. And I did not go to the hospital. But I should have, to be medicated for a heart attack.

So, do I walk or not? I always felt safe in town. We do have a leash law and the owners of the big dogs were given a citation. But what if I had Emma or Eli or Tripp with me? Sometimes, they walk too.

A Great Weekend.

Happy Easter!

We have had a great weekend. Yesterday, we got up bright and early (6 a.m.) and went to a Kids Run/5 K in support for Autism Awareness. The little kids did great. David helped out with the race/walk. So that left just Eli and myself to walk. He was pretty sore from the previous week of soccer games, and he has some HUGE blisters on his feet, so he was just going to walk with me. He found a group of friends and he ended up running instead. His time was 24:08 - not great for him, but great despite his blisters.

I walked alone. I love my alone time. I listen to my music, I sing and I think. My time was 47 minutes. I wish I could have been better. But there were lots behind me. And that is not so bad considering my largeness and I have only been exercising for the past 5 weeks or so.

Emma and Tripp had soccer games at 10. Then, we had family Easter at 12. It was a tight squeeze, but everyone ended up showered and dressed. We were only 10 minutes late.

Here are some pictures from the weekend

Longest.Week.Ever.

... until next week.

This has been TCAP week... so my teacher has been out. I have had the class all to myself. Not much different, she has been leaving me for several weeks, but I can text her if I need her (I think she stays in the workroom). So, I have had lots of experiences this week. It is amazing!

Today leaves me with six days. And I am done.

Also, I have been doing pretty good with my exercise for the past five weeks or so. I am walking all over town. I choose to go where ever. If I see a street I have not been down before, well, I take that street. I am loving this. Today, I took the day off. I was so sleepy. And it was so rainy. Tomorrow, I hope I am back at it. I walk for about 40 minutes each time and do about 2 1/2 miles.

I am looking forward to Easter this weekend. I am doing a 5k on Saturday morning. Then, the kids have soccer at 10. Family Easter thing is at 12. I am not sure how I am going to squeeze showers - hair - decent clothes in that time frame. One year, we just went looking like thugs. I swore I would never do that again. I felt bad the whole time.

So, Dave is mailing my graduation announcements tomorrow. I have never done this before, so he encouraged me strongly to do all the cool stuff I missed from high school.

May is going to be a big month. College Graduation. Mother's Day (my favorite time because I am so blessed). My birthday. UGH! I will be 36. I can't believe it. Then, Tripp's birthday on June 5. Kids get out of school. I am ready for summer.

Nine Days.

Countdown: I have nine days of student teaching left - Five this week, then four the following week. On the 29th, I am going to go with Emma and her first grade class on a field trip to the Zoo. Crazy, right? This morning, I was thinking about how much I had learned in the past four years and how hard I had pushed in the past year. Last spring semester, I had 15 hours. In the summer, I took 17. In the fall, I took 15. So I have felt like student teaching is just a piece of cake. Finally, it is coming together. My mother in law is planning a graduation party. Food? Music? I don't care. I told Dave to choose. Finally, I will have that paper. That is all I care about. Oh, and I am concerned with what dress to wear. And shoes. Also, it is now going to be the "real" world. I can't imagine how scary this would be for a 22 year old who has only ever known school. I suppose it is weird not really having homework already. But there is some sort of work *(A TPA Pilot Program that I was chosen for) and I still have that looming around. In less than three weeks, I will graduate.

Picture Update.

Since I don't post alot of pictures, I thought that I would try to show some highlights of the past couple of months.

Here is our new room. It is at a bad angle. I couldn't really see what I was uploading. But you get the most important part. Dave's feet as he quietly reads a newspaper. Alone.

Here is a picture of Eli, Emma and Tripper in the side yard from a couple of weeks ago.

Look how tall Eli is! 6'1 and still growing. Only 150 pounds. A beanpole. Emma at dance recital last weekend. I have some really good ones.

Emma and Mallie.

Emma was mad because her costume did not have any sparkles. She is a mini-Pam Sadler.

Mallie is going to be a big sister in November.

Another of the kids.

Emma's soccer team.

Check out her number. Both she and Tripp are #35.

Do you know why they chose that number?

For me. Because I am 35. Well, for another month or so.

Emma pointing as she kicks. I like this because it reminds me of Eli.

The girls again.

My anniversary flowers.

Our anniversary was March 22. He picked out Cala Lillies. I carried them when we got married.

My favorite flower bouquet he has ever sent me~!

All my favorite flowers - tulips, Gerber Daisies... Good Job!

Updates.

Boy, how sporadic am I? It is almost like I have things to do :) Well, we survived the aftermath of the girls leaving. While we sometimes still have heavy hearts, it is getting better. We are staying busy. There is lots of organization going on here. Emma and Tripp still ask for the girls, and they cry occasionally. But, they are alive and healthy, just down the road, and if I wanted to see them, it wouldn't be that hard. Right now, I am avoiding seeing them at all costs. I just can't do it - yet. Eli sees M daily at school. They don't talk. He is hurt. It is understandable. But we are moving along, developing our "new normal" and "taking our power back". I only have thirteen days of student teaching left. I love, love, love my kids in my class. I love 2nd grade. I appreciate the fact that they are still young enough to call their stomachs "tummies". It tickles me to no end. I have bonded with them. I know when they do their best - and when they don't. I will miss them terribly. But again, it is not like I have to go far. I told one boy just that today - I will be back ALL THE TIME. And I will. So my college graduation is in less than four weeks. It is kind of scary not knowing whats on the other side. I anticipate it. I have fantasized about this for years. At times, I thought it would never happen. That was usually when I found out about a new set of Praxis Tests. But, I passed them all, first time. Now, I am working up enough courage to take my MAT to get into grad school. Who woulda thunk it? Dave told me - discouraged me - from going so soon. Then, he told me that if I went, I could not say ONE WORD - Not ONE COMPLAINT - about homework. or school. or anything. Well, we all know how that goes. So I prolly won't go :)

Easier or harder?

Ok. Well today is day five.

While today was a super busy day (and it helps to stay busy) my business caused me to be confronted with questions. Yesterday, a well meaning friend of mine asked me for details. In a public place. And guess what happened?

I had to stop talking and leave. Then, a forty five minute meltdown happened. Too bad that I was half hour from the house, that I was at rehearsal for dance recital- I had to leave. Right Then.

Eventually, I calmed down. But it is when it is calm that the thoughts start. What did they do today? Is Annie getting her Vienna Sausages? Gogurt?

So yesterday, I ended up talking to the new mom. She had some questions for me. She was looking for some paperwork. It is the weirdest feeling in the world telling someone who is "mothering" the kids you have been "mothering" for the past year what kinds of foods they eat. Reminding them to check and see if they have toothbrushes (the girls toothbrushes were in the holder in their bathroom). I told her about report cards, school habits and other things such as when prescriptions have to be refilled. And while it hurt, maybe it helped a little because I felt like I was still taking care of them.

It seems that the hardest times are between 2 and 5 p.m. I think that once I get the house situated, that everyones' rooms are back in order, that we will be better. I feel like trying to erase memories.

I feel like deleting the DCS Caseworker from my FB friends list. When she posted about her "foster dog" and she was talking about our dog - well, that kinda done me in.

Tomorrow, I am going to plant shrubs at my house. I have no idea how to plant shrubs. I just went and bought some. Staying busy helps.

Day 2.

I daresay this is the most painful thing to deal with yet.

We made it through day two. Today, we all went back to school. Back to work.

Every thing I do is a constant reminder.

I get no text messages that start, "mis mel..." I get no hugs from the back. I get no howling cackles of laughter. I told someone today that I have no words. And I don't.

I know that they are taken care of. But I want to know what was for supper. How school was. Homework assignments due. Emma, at this moment, is begging for a chance to just talk to them on the phone. She is waiting for his answer. And he has no answer.

I can't physically speak about it. I talked to my sister this morning for a couple of minutes. It was all I could get out. One other friend got me on the phone last night. I lost it. I promise, Jenni, that I will call you. But I will cry.

It is stupid, really. I walk by the back windows, I wait to hear the dog bark. DCS took the dog. I I listen for Spanish. I only hear English on the television. I have no affiliation with the middle school anymore. Prom coming up in May doesn't affect me. I often fantasize about Annie running away and knocking on the door. I guess I should have hugged her one last time. I just didn't think I could take it. And I didn't think it was fair to make her choose.

We question God's plans for us. I know He has a plan. I just don't know what it is. I want to know so this just doesn't hurt so bad. maybe then, this will make sense.

Lost.

Today, I am lost. It is midnight. I can't sleep. I can't even begin to figure out how to regroup. Today, my girls left. For Good. The girls have lived with us for almost a year. The girls, ages 14 and 17, have became my daughters over this year. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, happy days and sad days. Today, I had to pack them up, all of their belongings, and drive them to someone else's house. I had to tell someone else about their medicine, about their likes and dislikes, about their habits. I had to tell someone else how they study, what happens when they get angry. I had to turn over the information for counseling appointments, doctors appointments and school appointments. And I had to walk away. So, I am at a complete loss. The worst part is that my other children, Eli, Emma and Tripp, are more lost than I am. They cried. They still are crying in spurts. They are looking for them and waiting for them to pop into the room to watch tv. Emma is walking around with an ipod playing their favorite songs. Emma's comment to me - "But we prayed for them to be better". Explain that. Tripp kept crying, "But they take care of me." And "I didn't even get to tell them bye." Eli's post on Facebook was " feels broken". David walked around the house and turned pictures down. I guess they are not ready to be put away yet. Right now, I am washing their sheets and comforters to take to their new home tomorrow. So, how do you just "stop" being someone's mother? It would be so easy if it had an "on" and "off" switch. Tomorrow, I could go to school and teach and not think. But I have to - need to - take a day or two off for my "other" kids. I need to make sure they are OK. We have to regroup. I am so torn up that I did not even bring my car home. It is still at the DCS office. I just left it sitting. I have spent the last fifty weeks mothering five kids. Buying food for five kids. Balancing five kids. I just can't stop. But that fourth and fifth kid are gone. And I am just lost.

Nevermind. It is not good.

So, I kept feeling worse. And worse.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

I have lost my voice.

I ended up back at the doctor this morning. It turns out that I have laryngitis (duh?) bronchitis and pneumonia. My chest hurts, but I can't tell anyone. I can't breathe, but I can't talk about it.

My throat is raw. My nose hurts. My ear is infected.
Just shoot me.

There is joy in this. Dave is experiencing joy.
No talking - no fussing at the kids. I am going to be quiet.
But soon, Dave will miss my voice and my cackling laughter.
Who will he argue with?

Sick. And It's Kinda Good.

So, I got sick on Sunday. It started off with a raging headache, which I attributed to a lack of sleep from being with four thousand kids in a hotel room for the weekend in Gatlinburg. By Monday night, my throat was raw. By Tuesday, I had to make myself move. It was the longest day ever - and not much fun talking in a loud teacher voice to nineteen second graders. Still, I survived. But I knew it was yucky. And even though it made me sicker to do it, I missed student teaching yesterday and went to the doctor. In my head, I kept thinking how I was a cheater, how I was a slacker and now I would never, ever get a job for missing.

So, I go to the doctor, and while I tested negative for flu, I have some sort of crud and an ear infection. I asked for a shot and got it. That is a whole nother story in itself. Then, I got a bottle of amoxicillin and a ticket to stay at home for one more day.

OK, so yesterday, I called my host teacher up and I told her the above story. (I texted her earlier that morning.) She told me that since it is Dr. Suess week, that my lessons were pretty much done, she would see me on Monday morning. Yikes! What to do! Now, I will never work in our county, or the three surrounding counties! They will hear that I got sick, and I didn't student teach every day!

So, for the last two days, I have been in the house ALL BY MYSELF.

I have started the washer.

I took some naps.

No one is TALKING TO ME.

I am not talking either.

I paid my speeding ticket and turned in my community service (another story all together).

I think I have been blessed. I get one more day!

Late at night...

and we are waiting on the storm. It is raining some and the weather looks horrible. I can't bring myself to go to bed cause a tornado will come, forshore, if I do.

Tomorrow is Friday and we are going to Gatlinburg for a Christian Youth Conference. Dave, and myself, and our five kids, and our niece Mallie, and nephew Tyler. I think we about make up our own youth group.

I am still counting down to the end of student teaching. It is flying by. The weeks are getting easier. I am glad that it just took some getting used to.

Boy, wouldn't I like a day off tomorrow to finish packing this stuff. I have the snack box ready, I just need to finish my makeup/toiletries bag and Emma's junk.

Eli's birthday is Monday. He will be fifteen. Boy, I sure love that kid. I guess I don't have to share his birth story here on my blog - AGAIN - but I can tell you this: I will spend Monday thinking about that sweet boy and really thinking about the fact that in three years he will be 18. Soon, in about four years, Dave and I will have only two kids at home. Michelle is going to the dorms and going to TTU next year; Eli wants to go to UT. Annie - well, I don't know what she will do. :)

More and more, I think about how I am going to feel after April 29. How I am going to feel on May 7- the day of my college graduation. I pick up my cap and gown on March 16. I am looking forward to the summer at home with all of my kids. We are going to the beach for a whole week. I am ready to stick my toes in the sand and relax!

School Update.

I have about 45 days of student teaching left. That is actual school days, not counting weekends.

Starting on Monday, I will begin teaching Reading and Spelling. I have been teaching Science for about three weeks now.

I am excited about it, but kind of apprehensive because it is in a class where the students are established in the teachers methods. When a student teacher takes over, students like to correct. It is hard to keep them on task. And then I worry about them failing.

I have been up since 6:30 this morning. I am a little stressed out about teaching something new, I guess. I don't really know my host teachers methods. We haven't been in school enough to have it down.

I feel ready to have my own class and do it my way without someone critiquing me all the time.

So here is to April 29- the last day of school for me. And hurry up May 7th, 2 p.m.

I am done.

Randomness.

It has been a long week. Here are some random pictures/stories from the past week or so.

Michelle - going to a sweet 16 party.

Super Dave and I going to watch "An Affair to Remember" at the library.

My sweet boy getting ready for the sweet 16 party.
Can you believe this kid will be 15 next week?

It makes me sick.

Eli and Michelle together - they had a great time.
I am glad they have the same friends.

Emma - lost her first front tooth.
She now has two more loose.
I can't believe how big she is getting.

I need to do a post on the new room that we are loving.

Furniture is in, siding is on.

Next project - the walkway!

Nuts.

I think I am nuts.

I am going to write all this out because I don't understand myself or my feelings. I think I am crazy.

Right now, I am sitting in Dave's just delivered recliner in my new family room addition that is not yet complete- we are still waiting on the siding. The furniture has been here for about an hour and a half.

Yet, all I can think about is that now I will have room for a pack and play.

I want a baby.

While I cannot physically give birth, I know from first hand experience that I can love through adoption. Because we are still involved with DCS, we are considered a foster home. We have never had a call to take any children. For the past six months or so, I have jokingly said that I would take a weekend baby (a baby waiting for placement - just for a few days). Dave automatically says NO! and please don't ask again. Lately, I have mentioned it more than a few times, so now it is just an ugly look that comes from him with no verbal response whatsoever.

Goodness, do I ever understand his reasoning. Five kids. Three teenagers. School. Store. Football. Juggling of the worst kind. I am so sad that I have these feelings, but he does not. I am sad to even talk about it. For some reason, I just feel like I have more room. Last weekend, I saw a newborn in Walmart. She was crying, and I knew it was a hungry cry. I said, outloud to myself, "What a hungry girl." And her mom said, "yes, she is." My arms ached.

Maybe I am doing too much liquid hormone drops. Who the heck knows. There is just so much love here. A few days ago, the caseworker was here and she told me they had three newborns in the past week. She "almost" called us with an 8 day old baby. She knows that we are a mixed- feeling household and she didn't. Again. I ache.

I try to tell myself that I will have grandchildren in about ten years (I hope, for my children's sake). It doesn't help. I am only thirty five. I can still be a mom to a little one. One foster mother turned adopted mother of 11 (ELEVEN) children told me to "pray". Pray for a baby. I would feel so wrong doing that to Dave. So I don't pray. I don't talk to God about it. I can't. What if he told me no? What if I didn't like His answer?

Sometimes, I daydream that the caseworker calls on a Friday night. "Mel..." she says. "I have a new baby -just for a couple of days..." Dave would look at me and shake his head no. No questions asked. I would be angry.

So, maybe it is a good thing that they don't call.

But-

I see how my girls have grown from love and stability in the past nine months. Right now, I am in tears, seeing how much I can offer. I have saw so much badness out there. I just know that I can make a difference. I just don't seem to know my limits.