Happy. Sad.

Wow. What a long, tiring week. There were lots of things that happened, so I want to give a daily rundown.

Last Sunday - I ran away from home. I went to study at Tech in the afternoon. There is a Mac Lab in Bartoo Hall in the basement that is open from four to nine p.m. When I got there, the student worker informed me that he was "happy" from the moment I walked in the door. He then showed me his PowerPoint presentation on "Gays In History". I asked this young, happy guy when he will graduate. He told me "twenty thirteen". He is doing a presentation for the "Happy" group on campus. So, I tried ignoring him. I got tired of his happiness. So I left.

Monday - I ran away from home. *fall break for the kids* I couldn't get anything done around here so I went to Tech like four hours early. And I studied. And I wasn't happy. This was the busiest week I have had this semester. Everything was due at once.

Tuesday - I had class. all day. I still wasn't happy. I was just tired.

When I got home, Dave called and told me that Jacob had passed away. The night was somber. I was sad. While I am the mother of two boys, and I sympathise with his mom, I was really thinking about his wife. Jacob was just thirty five. He and his wife had one young son. Jacob was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago. I spent all night thinking about what his wife and his family must be feeling. Then, I figured out that I take my husband for granted. While I have the opportunity to touch feet with Dave every night, I do not. Lots of times, I don't even speak. Five kids is kicking my butt. School is kicking my butt. I have put "us" on the back burner. And one day, it will all be gone.

Wednesday - I got up at the crack of night to drive to Knoxville to take my Praxis Content test. I thought I would be smarter than average and I -
a. booked it during the kids spring break so I wouldn't have to deal
b. book it in East TN where there is an hours time difference and I could make it back to my 2:30 p.m. class.

Well... that kinda backfired. I stayed up late the night before, stressed, and trying to study. Then, I figured out that when it said 8 a.m. for a test, it was 7 a.m. my time . That means I left at 5'ish. Boy, was I tired. But, I still got a trip to Target. And drive time by myself to think.

And I passed! Yeah! One Praxis test left - November 13th - PLT.

Thursday - another day of school. long. long. Funeral home visitation. and a sleepover for Emma and three friends. We had a good time -we made cupcakes, drinks, pizza bites, popcorn, crafts (we decorated bracelets and did colored sand bottles). Finally, everyone got to sleep at a little after 12. Then, at 2:30, one of the little girls came down. She had thrown up - everywhere. Hair, pillow, clothes - everywhere. So, Dave and I got up. He cleaned the mess while I bathed her. We made her a pallet in the floor in the living room. She threw up in the trashcan beside her. Finally, she went to sleep about 5 a.m.

Friday - Girls went home. Went to the funeral with Dave. I have to say, it was the most emotional service I have ever been to. It lasted close to two hours. People talked and told stories. I think I cried through the whole thing.

So, I guess that the week ended with me knowing that I need to work harder on my family. I get caught up in school. I get caught up in laundry. I need to focus. Because then it could all be gone.

Love.

Tonight, as I was studying, Tripper came up to me.
I asked him, "Hey Tripper, can you get your jammies on for me?"
He replied, "Hey Mom, you know what you can do for me?"
Scared, I answered with a, "Um, what?" He says, so sweetly, "You can give me a kiss."

So I picked him up and proceeded to kiss his face all over.

As I held him like a sweet little baby, I asked him the same question I seem to ask all the time:

"Tripper, how long are you going to be my bebe?"

He held up his still chubby little hand, with his thumb out and his pointer finger up, making a L shape. He said, "This long."

"How long is that, Tripp?" I asked.

"That is forever, Momma. Even when I am in college."

And that is Love.

Always so much to do.

We slept till 10:30 this morning.

Emma came downstairs and kept reminding us about church. Are we going to church? Where are we going to church at? I chose to opt out. I kept thinking more about the people, the dramatics, the code of dress... well, I think I need a break from the people.

Just not the message.

Then I wondered if God was going to judge me for a Sunday morning at home. He knows what is going on in our lives. I probably had much nicer, more Christian thoughts being here than in the building. I think of all the people in the world that are not offered "timed" church services. Are they all doomed? What is up with the specific time "in and out" of the building? What about the set, specific days? Dress? Type of Bible? Are we too specific?

So, anyways, today I am going to go grocery shopping, come home, do some housework, and get some homework done - hopefully. Two kids are in bed, sick, two are on the couch watching "Cars" and Emma and I are off for a girl date.

Catch Up.

So, with my first week of being unemployed under my belt, I am happy to say I am happy to be here. At home. On a Friday. With a sink full of sudsy water, the washer going, and still in my pajama bottoms. While I go to school every day BUT Friday, I have both Monday and Wednesday mornings at home. I still ended up going to the old job three days this week so the new secretary can figure things out... but it is safe to say after today, I won't be back there anymore.

I thought that this housework - catch up thing would be much faster. I was still feeling a little slacky on Wednesday, but then it hit me - I am trying to un-do what I have not been able to do in the past two years. So, I have cleaned out closets, did summer/winter change over for both Emma and Tripper, and worked my way through a mountain of laundry. I am happy to report that the mountain is now a big hill. :) Progress, people. I am making progress.

Today was a sad day for me -well, this morning more than anything. I went and cleaned out my pew at church. I took our toys/books/candy wrappers out. I was angry that someone that has no idea about my loving God was allowing me to not be with my Christian family. I also know that I am on a spiritual downslide. I spend my time at church being hateful, bitter, and pointing the finger at a man who is lacking human compassion and the Christian spirit. The man is nothing but a used car salesman. A bad one, at that. A judgemental, egotistical.... well, now you just got a taste of what my Sunday morning/evening worship time is like in my head. So I am ready to move on.

What is in store for me? Well, I am going to do more laundry. I am going to spend time with my children. I am going to finish school and study. I am going to go on a field trip with Tripper next week. This week, I baked cupcakes for Emma's birthday. I attended a parent conference for another kid. I took one child money for after school food.

And I was happy to do it.