Nuts.

I think I am nuts.

I am going to write all this out because I don't understand myself or my feelings. I think I am crazy.

Right now, I am sitting in Dave's just delivered recliner in my new family room addition that is not yet complete- we are still waiting on the siding. The furniture has been here for about an hour and a half.

Yet, all I can think about is that now I will have room for a pack and play.

I want a baby.

While I cannot physically give birth, I know from first hand experience that I can love through adoption. Because we are still involved with DCS, we are considered a foster home. We have never had a call to take any children. For the past six months or so, I have jokingly said that I would take a weekend baby (a baby waiting for placement - just for a few days). Dave automatically says NO! and please don't ask again. Lately, I have mentioned it more than a few times, so now it is just an ugly look that comes from him with no verbal response whatsoever.

Goodness, do I ever understand his reasoning. Five kids. Three teenagers. School. Store. Football. Juggling of the worst kind. I am so sad that I have these feelings, but he does not. I am sad to even talk about it. For some reason, I just feel like I have more room. Last weekend, I saw a newborn in Walmart. She was crying, and I knew it was a hungry cry. I said, outloud to myself, "What a hungry girl." And her mom said, "yes, she is." My arms ached.

Maybe I am doing too much liquid hormone drops. Who the heck knows. There is just so much love here. A few days ago, the caseworker was here and she told me they had three newborns in the past week. She "almost" called us with an 8 day old baby. She knows that we are a mixed- feeling household and she didn't. Again. I ache.

I try to tell myself that I will have grandchildren in about ten years (I hope, for my children's sake). It doesn't help. I am only thirty five. I can still be a mom to a little one. One foster mother turned adopted mother of 11 (ELEVEN) children told me to "pray". Pray for a baby. I would feel so wrong doing that to Dave. So I don't pray. I don't talk to God about it. I can't. What if he told me no? What if I didn't like His answer?

Sometimes, I daydream that the caseworker calls on a Friday night. "Mel..." she says. "I have a new baby -just for a couple of days..." Dave would look at me and shake his head no. No questions asked. I would be angry.

So, maybe it is a good thing that they don't call.

But-

I see how my girls have grown from love and stability in the past nine months. Right now, I am in tears, seeing how much I can offer. I have saw so much badness out there. I just know that I can make a difference. I just don't seem to know my limits.

A depressing week.

Well, it has been a long, depressing week so far... lots of death, illness and sadness all around.

Dave's distant cousin passed away from cancer. She was young - only 28 - and she had a 2 year old. That is a sweet baby that will never know it's momma. That is a child without a mom to be there for all the important things. And that leaves a set of parents who have lost a child at just 28 years old.

Others in our area have passed away recently, too. Just last week, a girl from high school died after a long bout of cancer. She was only 35. She never got married, had babies, or got to do any of the stuff I take for granted. It was difficult to go to her funeral. There are so many woulda, coulda, shouldas.

I think because I am a mom that I tend to focus on the parents of these people who are not living very many years. I can't imagine what my life would be without my kids - and I don't want to ever have to. I can't fathom what losing a child is like.

Oh, well. I have got to change the subject.

On to other news -- let's see... I have been working all week during spring break. Dave has been at home with the kids.. I left early yesterday and went with my sweet husband to a grand opening/ribbon cutting ceremony of a new factory here that grows hydroponic lettuce. I hope this is right. It was neat to get out for 2 hours without kids - but, as he was schmoosing around, I just stood back and observed all the people. There were all sorts there. Lots of men. Not very many women at all. So I started checking the men out. I am happy to report that my husband had the best hiney in the area. I looked at all of them. (Sorry this is a bad subject. I need some happy thoughts, people). Seriously. I looked at his. I looked at another. And then another. He won everytime. I guess lettuce that grows in water makes you bored like that, huh.

Our anniversary is this weekend. I am also happy to report that we have survived being married 2000 years. That is 1999 longer than Dave expected. Whew! What an ordeal. It has been tough, but he has hung in there.

Church is tonight. Then my next days are filled with 2 funerals, a possible basketball game, 2 tests at school tomorrow *not in that order* and maybe some sushi. After 2000 years, a girl deserves sushi, right?