We made it through day two. Today, we all went back to school. Back to work.
Every thing I do is a constant reminder.
I get no text messages that start, "mis mel..." I get no hugs from the back. I get no howling cackles of laughter. I told someone today that I have no words. And I don't.
I know that they are taken care of. But I want to know what was for supper. How school was. Homework assignments due. Emma, at this moment, is begging for a chance to just talk to them on the phone. She is waiting for his answer. And he has no answer.
I can't physically speak about it. I talked to my sister this morning for a couple of minutes. It was all I could get out. One other friend got me on the phone last night. I lost it. I promise, Jenni, that I will call you. But I will cry.
It is stupid, really. I walk by the back windows, I wait to hear the dog bark. DCS took the dog. I I listen for Spanish. I only hear English on the television. I have no affiliation with the middle school anymore. Prom coming up in May doesn't affect me. I often fantasize about Annie running away and knocking on the door. I guess I should have hugged her one last time. I just didn't think I could take it. And I didn't think it was fair to make her choose.
We question God's plans for us. I know He has a plan. I just don't know what it is. I want to know so this just doesn't hurt so bad. maybe then, this will make sense.
Mel, honey, I want to scream, cry, ask if maybe you were dreaming these past few days and when will you wake up.....but most of all I want to be there to hug you and hold you while we both cry it out. Yes, God has reasons for everything. The only thing I am completely certain of is that you were meant to be their family for at least the last year of their lives. After that, I don't know what to say. I just know in my heart that the last year of their lives was the one that was filled with the most love, joy, and true caring and compassion than they have ever experienced....because it was filled with family. Love you all so much. Please feel free to call if you feel like it. Love, Anita
ReplyDeleteI *almost* did call you. . .but am trying to be respectful of this time too. I'm waiting to hear from you but know there is a lot going on. Know that I am praying for you and your family daily and time really does numb the pain. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes months, sometimes years. . .think of our mutual friend who has been through this and is now a mommie to 5. I'm sure (know!) there is still a hole there for J...but the pain has subsided. Allow us to lift you up and pray for you and I second what Anita said -- that joy, love, and family will *never* be forgotten or replaced in their lives.
ReplyDelete