Healing.

Since the girls left almost two months ago, we have all went through a range of emotions. The first few weeks were the hardest for me. I seemed to be semi-ok in the mornings. Then, I was off to school, so I did not think about it, and there was little chance of someone asking me. My hardest time was in the afternoons when I came home - the was noone calling, "Ms. Mell!" and grabbing me. There was no Spanish music or cackling laughter. Now that time has passed, and shock has worn off, I have become angry. I am mad. And that is OK. I know that I am healing.

Eli was angry, hurt and confused all at the same time. But he is able to voice his feelings and deal with them. So that helps him heal.

But the worst? Emma and Tripp. They don't know how to feel. Or what to do. So their healing is different.

Emma and Tripp are still having a hard time. In the mix of the drama, it seems that not one person outside of the situation ever thought about how a five year old boy and a seven year old girl would feel to losing their sisters - sisters that had been a part of their lives for about three years - and lived with them for eleven months. Not one person ever thought that maybe Emma and Tripp would have to heal from this.

So while everyone sits and focuses on the healing of two girls that we took in as our own, that we loved and cared for and accepted, who chose to opt out of being in our family, and caused so much pain with that decision, they forget about the completely innocent kids left behind. It makes me angry that I am left to try to find the right answers. I don't have the answers.

Updates.

Boy, how sporadic am I? It is almost like I have things to do :) Well, we survived the aftermath of the girls leaving. While we sometimes still have heavy hearts, it is getting better. We are staying busy. There is lots of organization going on here. Emma and Tripp still ask for the girls, and they cry occasionally. But, they are alive and healthy, just down the road, and if I wanted to see them, it wouldn't be that hard. Right now, I am avoiding seeing them at all costs. I just can't do it - yet. Eli sees M daily at school. They don't talk. He is hurt. It is understandable. But we are moving along, developing our "new normal" and "taking our power back". I only have thirteen days of student teaching left. I love, love, love my kids in my class. I love 2nd grade. I appreciate the fact that they are still young enough to call their stomachs "tummies". It tickles me to no end. I have bonded with them. I know when they do their best - and when they don't. I will miss them terribly. But again, it is not like I have to go far. I told one boy just that today - I will be back ALL THE TIME. And I will. So my college graduation is in less than four weeks. It is kind of scary not knowing whats on the other side. I anticipate it. I have fantasized about this for years. At times, I thought it would never happen. That was usually when I found out about a new set of Praxis Tests. But, I passed them all, first time. Now, I am working up enough courage to take my MAT to get into grad school. Who woulda thunk it? Dave told me - discouraged me - from going so soon. Then, he told me that if I went, I could not say ONE WORD - Not ONE COMPLAINT - about homework. or school. or anything. Well, we all know how that goes. So I prolly won't go :)

Easier or harder?

Ok. Well today is day five.

While today was a super busy day (and it helps to stay busy) my business caused me to be confronted with questions. Yesterday, a well meaning friend of mine asked me for details. In a public place. And guess what happened?

I had to stop talking and leave. Then, a forty five minute meltdown happened. Too bad that I was half hour from the house, that I was at rehearsal for dance recital- I had to leave. Right Then.

Eventually, I calmed down. But it is when it is calm that the thoughts start. What did they do today? Is Annie getting her Vienna Sausages? Gogurt?

So yesterday, I ended up talking to the new mom. She had some questions for me. She was looking for some paperwork. It is the weirdest feeling in the world telling someone who is "mothering" the kids you have been "mothering" for the past year what kinds of foods they eat. Reminding them to check and see if they have toothbrushes (the girls toothbrushes were in the holder in their bathroom). I told her about report cards, school habits and other things such as when prescriptions have to be refilled. And while it hurt, maybe it helped a little because I felt like I was still taking care of them.

It seems that the hardest times are between 2 and 5 p.m. I think that once I get the house situated, that everyones' rooms are back in order, that we will be better. I feel like trying to erase memories.

I feel like deleting the DCS Caseworker from my FB friends list. When she posted about her "foster dog" and she was talking about our dog - well, that kinda done me in.

Tomorrow, I am going to plant shrubs at my house. I have no idea how to plant shrubs. I just went and bought some. Staying busy helps.

Day 2.

I daresay this is the most painful thing to deal with yet.

We made it through day two. Today, we all went back to school. Back to work.

Every thing I do is a constant reminder.

I get no text messages that start, "mis mel..." I get no hugs from the back. I get no howling cackles of laughter. I told someone today that I have no words. And I don't.

I know that they are taken care of. But I want to know what was for supper. How school was. Homework assignments due. Emma, at this moment, is begging for a chance to just talk to them on the phone. She is waiting for his answer. And he has no answer.

I can't physically speak about it. I talked to my sister this morning for a couple of minutes. It was all I could get out. One other friend got me on the phone last night. I lost it. I promise, Jenni, that I will call you. But I will cry.

It is stupid, really. I walk by the back windows, I wait to hear the dog bark. DCS took the dog. I I listen for Spanish. I only hear English on the television. I have no affiliation with the middle school anymore. Prom coming up in May doesn't affect me. I often fantasize about Annie running away and knocking on the door. I guess I should have hugged her one last time. I just didn't think I could take it. And I didn't think it was fair to make her choose.

We question God's plans for us. I know He has a plan. I just don't know what it is. I want to know so this just doesn't hurt so bad. maybe then, this will make sense.

Lost.

Today, I am lost. It is midnight. I can't sleep. I can't even begin to figure out how to regroup. Today, my girls left. For Good. The girls have lived with us for almost a year. The girls, ages 14 and 17, have became my daughters over this year. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, happy days and sad days. Today, I had to pack them up, all of their belongings, and drive them to someone else's house. I had to tell someone else about their medicine, about their likes and dislikes, about their habits. I had to tell someone else how they study, what happens when they get angry. I had to turn over the information for counseling appointments, doctors appointments and school appointments. And I had to walk away. So, I am at a complete loss. The worst part is that my other children, Eli, Emma and Tripp, are more lost than I am. They cried. They still are crying in spurts. They are looking for them and waiting for them to pop into the room to watch tv. Emma is walking around with an ipod playing their favorite songs. Emma's comment to me - "But we prayed for them to be better". Explain that. Tripp kept crying, "But they take care of me." And "I didn't even get to tell them bye." Eli's post on Facebook was " feels broken". David walked around the house and turned pictures down. I guess they are not ready to be put away yet. Right now, I am washing their sheets and comforters to take to their new home tomorrow. So, how do you just "stop" being someone's mother? It would be so easy if it had an "on" and "off" switch. Tomorrow, I could go to school and teach and not think. But I have to - need to - take a day or two off for my "other" kids. I need to make sure they are OK. We have to regroup. I am so torn up that I did not even bring my car home. It is still at the DCS office. I just left it sitting. I have spent the last fifty weeks mothering five kids. Buying food for five kids. Balancing five kids. I just can't stop. But that fourth and fifth kid are gone. And I am just lost.

Dress Shopping.

Wow! I guess you can tell I am bored. I haven't posted this much since I don't know when. I wrote quite a bit last year but I did not post it. Sometimes it is nice just to document what is going on....

Today, we went Prom Dress/8th Grade Dress Shopping.

Here are some fun pictures from the day.

Hot Shoes.

Matching Dresses.

A Prom Queen in the making.

No choices were made. We had a good time, had a good lunch and lots of laughs.

Changes.

Boy. You never know what is about to happen. I guess that is the most exciting part of life.

Yesterday, Dave and I AND THE GIRLS signed Intent to Adopt papers.
We are headed that way. It was a joyous occasion, and an intense occasion, all at the same time.

It is funny because we have had the girls nine months. And watching them change and grow has caused us to change and grow. When we were approached with proceeding toward adoption a few weeks ago, I worried for them. Are they ready? Is it too soon?

Failed adoption is never an option for me.

So, we are taking full advantage of the system. We are going to begin pre-adoption counseling. We are going to see if it is possible to have any more integration into the family.

While I didn't believe that it would make a difference in my feelings, it does. That shocks me. I feel more attached, if possible. I feel like I can advocate for them more, be more aggressive for their needs and the needs of our family. I look forward to the permanency. While I felt like it was permanent anyways, I guess that a piece of paper is really needed. So we are gonna do it.

Sheesh.

I didn't have a title for this post, so I thought I would share what is in my head.

Here are some weekly updates.

• We have less than one month until school starts. We are all excited, apprehensive and nervous. The girls have not been to school in a few years, Eli is going to high school and Tripper is starting Kindergarten. So it is going to be a little scary for everyone as we prepare and get things in order. We talk about what it will be like. Bedtimes will be the worst.
• The kids have been swimming all day everyday it seems. Well, they are all so tan. I wish they would just take a day off and hang out.
• I really dislike school. I wish I was done. I am so close.
• I am now only working three days a week where I can spend more time with the kids and make sure everything is done. I am loving the extra time at home but I really haven't been at home. My days are full.
• I am having trouble with Spanish class. I am unmotivated - well, I just don't care. It is so bad that I went in and calculated my GPA and found out that if I make a C instead of an A it will only drop my GPA from 3.46 to 3.42. So now, I am thinking I just want out of the class. I made a 50 on my first test. My teacher emailed me and said, "It is obvious that you cannot conjugate verbs or tell time in Spanish." Um. Yeah. I speak English. And my Spanish Helpers were at camp. :)
• Speaking of my Spanish Helpers - I don't really ask them for any help. When I am studying my online Spanish class, a little dude pops up on the computer screen. I have to translate. And I listen. And listen. About 100 times. If my Spanish Helpers hear the Spanish, they come by and tell me what he says. It is nuts.
• Also speaking of my Spanish Helpers- we are watching lots of MTV Spanish and Spanish Music Videos. It is hilarious! And then the commercials are funny too. We all sit around the living room watching these crazy shows like we know what they are saying. And the girls just giggle and laugh. :)

Back from the Beach.

Ah, the little kids are home!
After four long days without them, they have returned.
While they were gone, I had some super quality time with my two big girls and Eli.

We shopped. Boy, did we shop.
We got their rooms cleaned.

But what is left from their rooms is in piles in my kitchen, waiting for me to sort it out.

I am absolutely loving life. I love all five of my children. There is so much laughter in my house that sometimes my heart aches. I am full of love for each of my children. And sometimes my heart hurts for the times that I have missed. I wish I could have been involved sooner. But, I know that we are doing what is intended.

Last night we were treated to rice and beans. It was awesome. Then we had Rock Band Night. Mostly, I just sat and listened to the laughter and singing.

Later on, Emma fell asleep on one of the girls laps. I was going to take Emma to bed, but my favorite 13 year old told me she would do it. So, she carried Emma up to bed. A few minutes later, I went to check on them. Emma's sister was reading her a story. They ended up reading five books, with Emma fighting sleep for some precious time with the sweet girl.

And then finally, Emma went to sleep.

Today, I think about what it was like to be standing on the outside last night when the little kids got home from the beach. I am focusing on the tight hugs from big kids to little. I am replaying the "I love you" and the "I missed you so much" that I heard so many times last night.

I have always loved the scripture in the Bible that says, "And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)

I always thought that scripture pertained to faith. I have talked about my children's faith over the years, how strong their faith is - how they know that God will take care of them.

Over the past few weeks, I have learned it is not only faith, but acceptance, love, and pureness of heart.

My children have new sisters. Without question, they have new members to our family - no questions asked. I wish more adults could witness this wonderful happening in my home. We should all be like the little children. We would be much better off.

Where were you?

Many years ago, I remember looking at the moon at night and thinking about the one person that was made for me. I wondered what he was doing. I just knew he was out there.

About a year later, I found Dave.

I knew that one day, I would have lots of kids.
Before Eli was born, I used to try to picture what he would look like.... blonde hair? brown hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? I imagined how this child would change my life - he would make me a mother. So, in February of 1996, I got my baby boy with little blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He did change my life.

For seven whole years, Eli was an only child. I used to sit and daydream about the kids I would have in the future. I knew they were "there" - I used to talk about how I loved them already. I pictured a girl with curly brown hair and big brown eyes. I pictured another little tow headed boy with big blue eyes just like Dave and Eli.

When I had the little kids, I didn't exactly get what I pictured. I got a little girl with straight blonde hair and big hazel eyes and then I got a little boy with blonde hair and brown eyes.

That was OK by me. :)

It seemed that all along, I knew that they were out there - all four of these people that I love so much, more than anything else in the whole world.

I told Dave about two years ago that I did not feel "done." I still needed to be a momma. Who would have known that it was so close.

Now, I am able to take care of two precious girls. It is amazing. Every day is like an adventure... you know, that kind of adventure when children are small and they learn and say new things all the time? This is the kind of adventure we are all living together.

Now, I have five children. It is such a blessing to me to have these girls. They are gifts to me.
When I learned their birthdates, I wondered, "What were they doing in 1997? I had a one year old son at that time." And I wondered, "What were they doing in 2000? Eli was four years old then."

The girls are teaching me so much. I am learning about love all over again, I am learning about letting go, taking and sharing. Because of them, I am a stronger person. I am thankful they are in our family.

I believe.

• I believe in the rightness of our choice.
• I believe that God has a plan for my two new girls.
• I believe that there is beauty that comes from sadness and hurt.
• I believe that my family will grow - not just in number (I now have five children!) but that they will grow in love and knowledge.
• I believe that we have a purpose.
• I believe that I have a purpose.
• I believe that God has answered my prayers for protection for my girls.
• I believe that while it may take a little while to become adjusted, we will eventually settle into a new routine.
• I believe that great things are about to happen.