Anxious.

About three years ago, I started feeling anxious. It began one night, as I lay suggled up and cozy in the bed, and someone beat on the door. I woke up in a panic, thinking that they were "coming to get the kids". And from then on, I had irrational thoughts.

What if the kids wake up in the middle of the night, fall down the stairs, and break their necks and die?

What if they die in a car wreck?

What if they choke at dinner and I can't save them?

What if I die? Who will raise my kids and fix Emma's hair? Will there be a flower for me in a chair at her wedding?

My irrational thoughts had no rhyme or reason. And they got more stupider than that, I will tell ya.

I never shared with anybody that I was feeling anxious about this kind of stuff. I live in a "suck it up" kind of family, so there is really no sympathy. Then one day, I was talking to another mother, and she told me SHE has the same kinds of anxieties and worries. I didn't feel quite so alone. And so I just moved on.

Adding up all the stresses of the past couple of years (a bad job with an angry co-worker, the girls, the girls leaving, extended family issues, school, finances...) well, my anxiety got worse. Then, not only did I have irrational thoughts, I had anxiety to go with it.

Holy Crap.

Now that everything seems to have slowed down (graduated school, got a job, only three kids who are somewhat behaved) I started trying to pinpoint what causes my anxiety and irrational thoughts.

Because writing is a great form of therapy, and I have heard from others that they have these same issues, I am going to label (for myself) what some of my triggers are.

1. I like to think I am doing a better job than my mother. In case you haven't noticed, my mother sucked and still does. I have a hard time telling myself that I need "me" time because my mother said that I didn't, and if I took it, I was selfish. So I constantly beat my mothering abilities up - to a pulp.

2. Not completing housework - having a dirty house. Because I was a stay at home mom for nine years, I completed chores on certain days. Now, chores don't get finished until Saturday. or Sunday. And as fast as I can clean or put clothes away, it piles back up. And my family is not the best at picking up after themselves. So I always feel like I am drowning in housework, laundry and groceries.

3. Not completing tasks. I never get finished. And I like for things to be complete.

Just so you know, my house is not a disaster. I just hate clutter of any kind. I believe that everything should have a place. I like clean kids. So my kids have to bathe every day.

So I have found if I break it down - work on one room at a time, one step at a time, it helps. I am trying to figure out how these kids will help. I have tried chore charts. Didn't work. Not a biggie. And I really didn't follow through. Because it added to my "list" of things to keep up with. And sometimes it is easier to do it yourself than to ask for help.