Anxious.

About three years ago, I started feeling anxious. It began one night, as I lay suggled up and cozy in the bed, and someone beat on the door. I woke up in a panic, thinking that they were "coming to get the kids". And from then on, I had irrational thoughts.

What if the kids wake up in the middle of the night, fall down the stairs, and break their necks and die?

What if they die in a car wreck?

What if they choke at dinner and I can't save them?

What if I die? Who will raise my kids and fix Emma's hair? Will there be a flower for me in a chair at her wedding?

My irrational thoughts had no rhyme or reason. And they got more stupider than that, I will tell ya.

I never shared with anybody that I was feeling anxious about this kind of stuff. I live in a "suck it up" kind of family, so there is really no sympathy. Then one day, I was talking to another mother, and she told me SHE has the same kinds of anxieties and worries. I didn't feel quite so alone. And so I just moved on.

Adding up all the stresses of the past couple of years (a bad job with an angry co-worker, the girls, the girls leaving, extended family issues, school, finances...) well, my anxiety got worse. Then, not only did I have irrational thoughts, I had anxiety to go with it.

Holy Crap.

Now that everything seems to have slowed down (graduated school, got a job, only three kids who are somewhat behaved) I started trying to pinpoint what causes my anxiety and irrational thoughts.

Because writing is a great form of therapy, and I have heard from others that they have these same issues, I am going to label (for myself) what some of my triggers are.

1. I like to think I am doing a better job than my mother. In case you haven't noticed, my mother sucked and still does. I have a hard time telling myself that I need "me" time because my mother said that I didn't, and if I took it, I was selfish. So I constantly beat my mothering abilities up - to a pulp.

2. Not completing housework - having a dirty house. Because I was a stay at home mom for nine years, I completed chores on certain days. Now, chores don't get finished until Saturday. or Sunday. And as fast as I can clean or put clothes away, it piles back up. And my family is not the best at picking up after themselves. So I always feel like I am drowning in housework, laundry and groceries.

3. Not completing tasks. I never get finished. And I like for things to be complete.

Just so you know, my house is not a disaster. I just hate clutter of any kind. I believe that everything should have a place. I like clean kids. So my kids have to bathe every day.

So I have found if I break it down - work on one room at a time, one step at a time, it helps. I am trying to figure out how these kids will help. I have tried chore charts. Didn't work. Not a biggie. And I really didn't follow through. Because it added to my "list" of things to keep up with. And sometimes it is easier to do it yourself than to ask for help.

Christmas Time!

Once again, I have sat down to update... I see my last post was on December 6. :(

OK, here is a rundown.

Snow.

Snow.

Finished School. Missed my last practicum days.

Kids missed the last week of school because of..... snow.

Now they are out on Christmas break.

I have stayed in my pj's so much that I forget what day it is. I am loosing track of time. Days are running together. Some days, Dave goes to work and I am reading a book on the couch. When he comes home, I have done nothing more than brush my teeth and read another book, took a nap and watched a movie. Because I did four semesters of school this year, I am tired and enjoying my laziness. What gets me is this - my house was much cleaner when I was working and going to school! Crazy, I know. I just don't wanna clean. And it is just going to get dirty again.

Tomorrow, we will do a good cleaning. That should make everyone happy. :)

Yesterday, Grandma and Granddad took the big kids to Nashville to spend the night at Opryland. That left me and Dave at home alone with just Emma and Tripp. So, last night, we went on a whirlwind tour... we drove to Chuckles in Crossville, played games, went to eat and then drove back to Cookeville and saw Yogi Bear in 3D. We had a blast!

Today, we get to deliver toys for the Jaycees to underprivileged children. Well, this is my favorite part of Christmas.

The big kids will be home later tonight - Grandma is taking the girls to see the Rockettes and Granddad is taking the boys to see the Titans play.

We have major progress with the new addition to our house. One day last week (see, I don't remember the day!) I came outside and we had windows and doors on the new room. So I went and bought some light fixtures for the walls and for the outside. I had no idea how dramatic buying light fixtures is - colors that match (bronze, aged bronze, tan bronze, silver, copper...) glass that matches.... I was in Lowe's for over an hour and it was my third trip to check things out. I also have become fixated on a couch and love seat that I can't afford. :/ When you build a new room, you need furniture. This week, I told someone that Dave and I will be sitting out in "our" room in lawn chairs with our feet on boxes. That is OK, though, because no kids allowed! Ha!