School Update.

I have about 45 days of student teaching left. That is actual school days, not counting weekends.

Starting on Monday, I will begin teaching Reading and Spelling. I have been teaching Science for about three weeks now.

I am excited about it, but kind of apprehensive because it is in a class where the students are established in the teachers methods. When a student teacher takes over, students like to correct. It is hard to keep them on task. And then I worry about them failing.

I have been up since 6:30 this morning. I am a little stressed out about teaching something new, I guess. I don't really know my host teachers methods. We haven't been in school enough to have it down.

I feel ready to have my own class and do it my way without someone critiquing me all the time.

So here is to April 29- the last day of school for me. And hurry up May 7th, 2 p.m.

I am done.

Randomness.

It has been a long week. Here are some random pictures/stories from the past week or so.

Michelle - going to a sweet 16 party.

Super Dave and I going to watch "An Affair to Remember" at the library.

My sweet boy getting ready for the sweet 16 party.
Can you believe this kid will be 15 next week?

It makes me sick.

Eli and Michelle together - they had a great time.
I am glad they have the same friends.

Emma - lost her first front tooth.
She now has two more loose.
I can't believe how big she is getting.

I need to do a post on the new room that we are loving.

Furniture is in, siding is on.

Next project - the walkway!

Nuts.

I think I am nuts.

I am going to write all this out because I don't understand myself or my feelings. I think I am crazy.

Right now, I am sitting in Dave's just delivered recliner in my new family room addition that is not yet complete- we are still waiting on the siding. The furniture has been here for about an hour and a half.

Yet, all I can think about is that now I will have room for a pack and play.

I want a baby.

While I cannot physically give birth, I know from first hand experience that I can love through adoption. Because we are still involved with DCS, we are considered a foster home. We have never had a call to take any children. For the past six months or so, I have jokingly said that I would take a weekend baby (a baby waiting for placement - just for a few days). Dave automatically says NO! and please don't ask again. Lately, I have mentioned it more than a few times, so now it is just an ugly look that comes from him with no verbal response whatsoever.

Goodness, do I ever understand his reasoning. Five kids. Three teenagers. School. Store. Football. Juggling of the worst kind. I am so sad that I have these feelings, but he does not. I am sad to even talk about it. For some reason, I just feel like I have more room. Last weekend, I saw a newborn in Walmart. She was crying, and I knew it was a hungry cry. I said, outloud to myself, "What a hungry girl." And her mom said, "yes, she is." My arms ached.

Maybe I am doing too much liquid hormone drops. Who the heck knows. There is just so much love here. A few days ago, the caseworker was here and she told me they had three newborns in the past week. She "almost" called us with an 8 day old baby. She knows that we are a mixed- feeling household and she didn't. Again. I ache.

I try to tell myself that I will have grandchildren in about ten years (I hope, for my children's sake). It doesn't help. I am only thirty five. I can still be a mom to a little one. One foster mother turned adopted mother of 11 (ELEVEN) children told me to "pray". Pray for a baby. I would feel so wrong doing that to Dave. So I don't pray. I don't talk to God about it. I can't. What if he told me no? What if I didn't like His answer?

Sometimes, I daydream that the caseworker calls on a Friday night. "Mel..." she says. "I have a new baby -just for a couple of days..." Dave would look at me and shake his head no. No questions asked. I would be angry.

So, maybe it is a good thing that they don't call.

But-

I see how my girls have grown from love and stability in the past nine months. Right now, I am in tears, seeing how much I can offer. I have saw so much badness out there. I just know that I can make a difference. I just don't seem to know my limits.