I think that sometimes I just need to write for me. I am not even sure if I will publish this. I am so tired- tired of school, tired of work, tired of the never ending cycle of groceries, laundry, and baths. I am even tired of bitching. I wish I felt caught up. I wish that I was not at the end of the list. I wish I could go back to the season of staying at home. But I cannot.
Yesterday, I lay down on my bed after work and I cried. I cried because I hate my job. I cried because I can't get it together. I cried because even though I only have two semesters left, well, I have two semesters left. I cried because I need a pedicure, my hair needs to be cut, I have laundry to fold, I don't spend enough time with my kids. I cried because my heart hurts for my girls. I cried because I was crying. Who knows.
Then, this morning, I happened to read some Kate Chopin. Her works were written in the late 1800's, in the days of slavery. Kate's stories all relate to women who seem to be in the same season I am in - the season of children, home, husband and trying for balance. There was one story called "A Pair of Silk Stockings" - I had never read this story before. I read this, re-read it, and now I know: all women are confused and angry.
No, not really. This story made me think about how if we, as wives and mothers, sometimes put ourselves first, we end up being better wives and mothers. Now, I just need to find time to do it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
It's Football Time in TN!
Ugh.
School starts in two weeks.
I can't wait for some serious structure and routine for the kiddos.
Football season is here.
Not only is Dave coaching middle school, Eli is playing high school football. And we also have a kid in fall soccer. That is going to be alot of juggling. Dave's practices are from 3-5 p.m. and games are on Tuesday and/or Thursday. Eli practices - well, I don't really know when. But I am sure it will be every day. And as we all know, high school football games are on Friday nights.
Wait, while I am on the subject, let me tell ya how scary football is for me.
For some reason, it scares me to see Eli out on the field. I guess partly because he kicks, and when he plays, it is all on him. Also, he is so thin, and he is my baby boy, so the thought of those big, fat kids tackling him sends me into hyperventilating and sweating.
OMG.
It doesn't scare me when he plays soccer. Just football.
Oh, he also made the high school soccer team last week. That is pretty cool.
So, I am going to comfort myself with the fact that he is a freshman, and freshman don't get to start in football.
School starts in two weeks.
I can't wait for some serious structure and routine for the kiddos.
Football season is here.
Not only is Dave coaching middle school, Eli is playing high school football. And we also have a kid in fall soccer. That is going to be alot of juggling. Dave's practices are from 3-5 p.m. and games are on Tuesday and/or Thursday. Eli practices - well, I don't really know when. But I am sure it will be every day. And as we all know, high school football games are on Friday nights.
Wait, while I am on the subject, let me tell ya how scary football is for me.
For some reason, it scares me to see Eli out on the field. I guess partly because he kicks, and when he plays, it is all on him. Also, he is so thin, and he is my baby boy, so the thought of those big, fat kids tackling him sends me into hyperventilating and sweating.
OMG.
It doesn't scare me when he plays soccer. Just football.
Oh, he also made the high school soccer team last week. That is pretty cool.
So, I am going to comfort myself with the fact that he is a freshman, and freshman don't get to start in football.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Goodbye to Pa.
My Pa died last Wednesday night.
After church on Wednesday, we went to eat. I had a gaggle of giggling children and a fierce kidney infection going on. By 9:30'ish, after a hot shower and some clean pj's, I settled down to finally watch Finding Nemo with my five kids. About five minutes after becoming comfortable with the heating pad and a little girl hanging accross my lap, the phone rings.
Pa was gone.
It is not that I didn't know it was coming. He was 84. He had been sick for a few weeks. Pa was a good strong Christian. He was of the Baptist faith. With Pa, there was never any gray area. Everything was always black and white. And he never cared to call you out on it.
Pa was a stern looking man. He always had probing eyes, looking for something I did wrong. I respected him, I looked at him as all knowing. I always felt as though everything I did displeased him.
Pa liked to whittle. One time, when I was a little girl, I asked him if I could whittle with him. So, he got me a little stick, and pulled a little knife out of his pocket and we whittled together.
Pa had many sayings that I can still hear. When he said "thought" it always came out as "throught" - and if someone dropped candy on the ground, he always encouraged us to eat it, saying "it will put alittle grit in yer gizzard."
My Pa never made it past second grade. He also didn't learn to read until later years - Granny always read the Bible to him until he decided to read it himself one day. That is how he learned to read.
My Pa and Granny were married for 63 years. When they married, he was 20 and she was 16.
They had five kids and ten grand kids - five boys and five girls.
Surprisingly, we all made it through the funeral arrangements. There were plenty of angry disagreements between siblings. All the grand kids just sat back and watched out parents act out. We made it through visitation. And then we made it through the funeral. When my time came to walk up to the casket for a final goodbye, I knew that this would be the last time I would see this face. I was not sad for Pa. I knew he was better off.
What I was sad for is the fact that I don't see everything in black and white. I have lots of grey areas. I fall short, many, many times during the day. While Pa always knew the answers for things, I question. Pa's way was to follow the Bible and Jesus. That is how he lived.
After church on Wednesday, we went to eat. I had a gaggle of giggling children and a fierce kidney infection going on. By 9:30'ish, after a hot shower and some clean pj's, I settled down to finally watch Finding Nemo with my five kids. About five minutes after becoming comfortable with the heating pad and a little girl hanging accross my lap, the phone rings.
Pa was gone.
It is not that I didn't know it was coming. He was 84. He had been sick for a few weeks. Pa was a good strong Christian. He was of the Baptist faith. With Pa, there was never any gray area. Everything was always black and white. And he never cared to call you out on it.
Pa was a stern looking man. He always had probing eyes, looking for something I did wrong. I respected him, I looked at him as all knowing. I always felt as though everything I did displeased him.
Pa liked to whittle. One time, when I was a little girl, I asked him if I could whittle with him. So, he got me a little stick, and pulled a little knife out of his pocket and we whittled together.
Pa had many sayings that I can still hear. When he said "thought" it always came out as "throught" - and if someone dropped candy on the ground, he always encouraged us to eat it, saying "it will put alittle grit in yer gizzard."
My Pa never made it past second grade. He also didn't learn to read until later years - Granny always read the Bible to him until he decided to read it himself one day. That is how he learned to read.
My Pa and Granny were married for 63 years. When they married, he was 20 and she was 16.
They had five kids and ten grand kids - five boys and five girls.
Surprisingly, we all made it through the funeral arrangements. There were plenty of angry disagreements between siblings. All the grand kids just sat back and watched out parents act out. We made it through visitation. And then we made it through the funeral. When my time came to walk up to the casket for a final goodbye, I knew that this would be the last time I would see this face. I was not sad for Pa. I knew he was better off.
What I was sad for is the fact that I don't see everything in black and white. I have lots of grey areas. I fall short, many, many times during the day. While Pa always knew the answers for things, I question. Pa's way was to follow the Bible and Jesus. That is how he lived.
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