Lost.

Today, I am lost. It is midnight. I can't sleep. I can't even begin to figure out how to regroup. Today, my girls left. For Good. The girls have lived with us for almost a year. The girls, ages 14 and 17, have became my daughters over this year. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, happy days and sad days. Today, I had to pack them up, all of their belongings, and drive them to someone else's house. I had to tell someone else about their medicine, about their likes and dislikes, about their habits. I had to tell someone else how they study, what happens when they get angry. I had to turn over the information for counseling appointments, doctors appointments and school appointments. And I had to walk away. So, I am at a complete loss. The worst part is that my other children, Eli, Emma and Tripp, are more lost than I am. They cried. They still are crying in spurts. They are looking for them and waiting for them to pop into the room to watch tv. Emma is walking around with an ipod playing their favorite songs. Emma's comment to me - "But we prayed for them to be better". Explain that. Tripp kept crying, "But they take care of me." And "I didn't even get to tell them bye." Eli's post on Facebook was " feels broken". David walked around the house and turned pictures down. I guess they are not ready to be put away yet. Right now, I am washing their sheets and comforters to take to their new home tomorrow. So, how do you just "stop" being someone's mother? It would be so easy if it had an "on" and "off" switch. Tomorrow, I could go to school and teach and not think. But I have to - need to - take a day or two off for my "other" kids. I need to make sure they are OK. We have to regroup. I am so torn up that I did not even bring my car home. It is still at the DCS office. I just left it sitting. I have spent the last fifty weeks mothering five kids. Buying food for five kids. Balancing five kids. I just can't stop. But that fourth and fifth kid are gone. And I am just lost.