The stages of death.

I dreamed a couple of nights ago that my mother died.


It was one of those traumatic dreams where you wake up crying, with actual tears flowing, and the feeling of doom or despair lasts the entire day.


In my dream, I was very angry at her for dying. Not only did she die, she hung out to tell us all she was dead. She told us all that she was in fact, going, and that she was not coming back. And that we were all going to miss her. It would be a lonely life without her.


But the fact is, I have already gone thru that. Even though she is not dead - in real life.


You see, almost four years ago, my mother cut off ties with me. She told me that I had outgrown her, and that I needed to go own with my life. I was absolutely devastated. "What do I tell my kids," I asked her. "Tell them I died," she replied. And that was that.



I did not tell them she died. I explained to them that "Granny" was making poor life choices and that her decisions were unhealthy. And we went on. Life was hard. Dave worked out of town, I had a five week old baby, a 22 month old baby, and a nine year old who loved his granny with an intensity that was indescribable. I went back and fourth from being angry, to sad, to angry again. I felt deserted. I missed her.

When Emma potty trained, I picked up the phone automatically to call her. When the baby started ooh-ing and aah-ing, I desperately wanted to call her. When Eli did something special, I wanted to share. Girls need their moms. And I needed mine. She wasn't really dead. Our relationship was, though.


Over the next couple of years, I called her a few times. I got desperate. She was going to talk to me. I would make her love me and she would be part of my children's lives. When I dialed her number, she answered - sometimes. I tried to share what was going on with me, the kids, my job as a mother. She didn't listen. She talked about herself and she never once said,"How are your kids?" I wanted validation that I was a good mom and a good wife - and I wanted my mother to tell me. But that never came. I had to accept the fact that even though I needed my mom, she did not need me.


As time went on, I started to care less. My desperation to have my mother be involved became less and less. My validation came in other ways. My mother in law was a huge help. So was Dave. I told myself that I could do this and that I did not need her to tell me that I was OK. I knew that I was. I grew, and I learned to depend on myself, and the others around me that had not left me.

Even though the four year mark is approaching, I sometimes find myself feeling the need to talk to her. Sometimes, I think back of our relationship and of the fun times we had. I sometimes find myself jealous of the women my age that have mothers that are involved in their daily lives. When I see her in public, I get angry that she looks so happy. I don't think she knows what she caused me to go thru. When this happens, I remind myself of all that I have. My Mother in law helps me alot. And, there are several ladies in the congregation that have really helped with the "mom advice" that I need from time to time.

God has provided what I needed.